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I couldn’t sleep last night. At most 2-3 hrs. I can’t believe you’re gone. I have never felt so much pain. This feeling is so permanent. You being gone is so permanent. Even with all the songs in my itunes, I still can’t find the one that describes how I feel. I am having such a hard time letting you go grandpa. I was just at the hospital with you on Friday and you were still trying to talk to me. I can still hear you saying my name through the oxygen mask. They didn’t say anything about your condition being bad… except trying to keep your blood pressure up.
I just saw you. I just FUCKING SAW YOU.
When I went back to LA I was so worried, sad, crying to myself. I felt guilty leaving for “priorities.” But then I thought I was being stupid because they didn’t say anything about your condition getting worse. And now you’re gone.
I can’t believe I am not spending Christmas with you like we do every single year…
I can’t believe I won’t be able to have conversations with you anymore. There will be no more greeting you and sitting next to your bed just to hear you talk. I loved our conversations together about life and career choices.
I can’t believe you won’t be celebrating your first grandchild’s college graduation. I even planned to take you both and make sure that we come early so we can get the handicapped seats. I wanted you to be front row for everything.
I can’t believe I won’t be able to see you paint. I can still remember you sitting outside with your easel and oil paints when I was younger. I was never allowed to touch the oil paints though lol. I am sorry for sneaking outside using your oil paints when you were not there. What I would do to have more time with you and apologize for that. Since you have been aging, I was so amazed when I saw you paint couple months ago. Something simple, yet unique, with water colors.
I can’t believe I won’t be able to hold your hand.
I can’t believe I won’t be able to hear your voice. your stories. I remember you telling me about how you traveled to places to showcase your art. And I remember that I wanted to be just like you when I grow up. An artist that travels the world.
You were such a big influence in my life. I can’t believe I’m saying “were.” I fucking hate using past tense.
I FUCKING HATE USING PAST TENSE. I FUCKING HATE THIS SITUATION. I HATE THIS, I HATE THIS.
I can still remember you in your suits. You haven’t been wearing them for awhile but you were always so handsome in them. And your watches. You loved wearing watches.
I remember we used to sit and watch wrestling together. Whether it be wwf at that time or even wwe as we got older. Or even wrestling on telemundo or something like that.
I remember when you used to cook for me. It was probably because grandma went out and you had to babysit us. Sometimes I hated it because sometimes there would be eggshells in my bowl. How I would take a moment back to eat anything that you cooked. Even the egg shells.
I remember how you used to give me $1 every time you hear the ice cream man. I love how you know that ice cream is my favorite.
I remember all the pictures that we took together in front of our old house. I never really liked taking pictures when I was younger. But what I would do to take another still picture with you grandpa. What I would give and sacrifice just to have you here with me a little longer.
Last Christmas. I was trying to be sneaky but you looked up. I am glad you did.
I remember last Christmas Sabrina brought out all the picture albums you had in your room. A lot of the pictures were of us when we were younger. We forgot to bring them back to you so you came outside in the living room discretely and grabbed the albums. We thought that was so cute.
Your death was so unexpected. You didn’t have cancer. You didn’t suffer through some sort of sickness. I guess it was just your time.
I love you so much. I miss you so much.
You will always be in my heart grandpa.
I love you
06.15.1919 – 12.08.13 23:24
Left a husband, a father, a grandfather, a great grandfather.
Left an artist and a kind-hearted soul.
I love you
We love you