Paul Walker, Nelson Mandela, and my grandpa Nguyen, Nhu Tung. December 7th left a great man. I don’t think people realize how close we were. Again with that word, were.. You were part of my childhood, part of my past, part of my present, and you were supposed to be part of my future. He wasn’t some sort of distant relative where I only visited once or twice a year. I still drive my grandma around when I am back in OC. Yes, I am that grand child. I would do anything for them. They raised me. He was my father figure. No, I don’t give a fuck if he is 94 and he’s old. That doesn’t change the fact that someone important to me left. it has been 3 weeks grandpa and I feel as if you’re slipping away from my memories and dreams. As if you’re no longer real because you’re not physically here. The holidays has been so hard since you’ve left. Nothing feels the same. I miss you so much. I know I haven’t talked about you for awhile or mentioned you but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about you. I feel like you’re one of the reasons I love to be creative and artistic. You are my inspiration. This post is all over the place because that’s how I really feel. I need to find a way to be organized and put together again…
Although I love hip hop and rap, R&B/slowjams are my shit. I was trying to find songs on how I felt and what I was going through .. boy that was hard ): but now I have an official playlist! Enjoy (in no particular order)! Keep in mind that the songs may not exactly be 100% for grief and loss but I have interpreted and relate to it that way.
1. So Lost – Melvin Gutierrez
This was one of the few songs that was in my iTunes (phew), I was really trying to make a playlist of whatever music I had.
2. I Miss You – Aaliyah
“Now you’re gone and I’m lost without you here and now. but I know I gotta live and make it somehow”
3. It’s So Hard to Say Good-bye to Yesterday – Boyz II Men
I knew I didn’t belong here. I prolonged coming on time. I was not ready to step back in the hospital. I couldn’t avoid it forever so I finally left my car to walk to Mattel children’s hospital. For some damn reason, my supervisor knew what was up. I guess it may be the way I say hi to her every time I see her. I feel like everyone can read me like a damn book or something. Well, I am glad she caught me, and I am glad we talked. I am so blessed to have an understanding supervisor like her. Being in the hospital and being around chronically ill children in the playroom may not be the best thing for me right now. I am very thankful for having someone like you. Anyways, she shared something with me that I think is helpful for anyone who may be going through something like this. It is called the Mourner’s Bill of Rights on a cute card (: but here it goes:
1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief.
2. You have the right to talk about your grief.
3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions.
4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.
5. You have the right to experience “grief bursts.”
6. You have the right to make use of ritual.
7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality.
8. You have the right to search for meaning.
9. You have the right to treasure your memories.
10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.
What I also learned today. Everyone deals with it differently. It is okay to take breaks because there is nothing wrong with that. There is no need to feel sad 100% of the time. Thank you so much.