Tag Archives: life

100 Poems | 100 Days: Day 2

Black has never been so dark.
I never dread wearing black so much.
Black may mean slick, slim, or mysterious but for the past 4 days
It meant no sunshine
it meant pour some rain and thunder over my head
It meant death
It meant you, were gone, forever.
I am trying to think about all the times we spent together.
So many things left unsaid.
Did you know that I am trying to get this painting class, grandpa?
Wanted to channel my inner creative side
But at the same time embrace a little bit of you.
I was thinking about sharing my piece with you.
Wanted to learn how to use the medium of oil paints and work on landscape, just like you.
I wanted to be just like YOU.
But as of right now, I my skies are painted pitched black
Fuck rose color glasses, because shade is all I am getting.
Darken my path. Black out. Lifeless.
Black has never felt so dark.

[Started December 14, 2014 // Semi-Edited February 14, 2014]

100 Poems | 100 Days: Day 1

Thanks to my close friend Mitch, who started 100 Moments, she sparked the idea of doing 100 poems! Since we kinda started at the same time I guess we can keep each other accountable for this commitment! So here it goes 100 poems whether it be stupid, short, or “deep” lego.

 

We were once completed, you and me down the pavement to perfection
You slipped on my feet and caressed my arch as if you were made for me.
Traced my heels and linger on my toes.
Keeping me warm on winter days
Protected and supported me through my life changing moments, of sneakers.
I slipped you on as if we were infinity and you were my pool
Endlessly peering at the horizon
Searching for sunsets, you were my happy ending.
But fairy tales don’t last forever
Missing sock, you were no where to be found.
Disappeared into the night sky when I needed you the most.
Constantly looking, but we can never pair up
Separation that feels like anxiety
Like a child, you were my home base
I wanted you in proximity but maybe, just maybe, we were never that close.
I guess it makes me feel kind of insecure
But I’ll save the other pair until you find your way home.

Missing Sock by Han

Toast to almost 23 but not really

I was trying to reflect on my almost 23 years of life [insert my selfie here]. And thought it’d be awesome to express it in a spoken word piece. This is what I have so far …

In a month in a half
I’ll be 23
This is a toast to my Jordan year
And that’s a real shout out to my sneakers
hashtag jk but not jk
this is a toast for being alive
for experiencing a death of a loved one

and then I froze. you’re not here with me.
there are so many firsts that I have to go through without you.
my first christmas without you, my first new years without you, my first tet without you, my first birthday without you.
some days I feel like it is so hard for me to get out of bed,
to want to see sunshine when I know that you’re not here with me
some days I am just on autopilot trying to not feel any sort of emotional recklessness
some days I just feel so overwhelmed with thoughts of you consuming my brain
and some days I am just plain old me
but when I come back to this apartment, I feel so detached and separated from our family
I feel so alone without you

There are people telling me to be more positive.. I feel that every time I take a leap, the world challenges me with rain and thunder. December: ||| , January |||, February | . That’s a total of 7. They say bad things come in 3s .. so I am just waiting for 2 more.

2014 “Resolutions” / Goals

Or whatever the fuck you want to call it. I was talking to a friend the other day and he actually asked what’s my 2014 goals. I never gave it a thought. With everything going on around me .. it never crossed my mind.

I gave it a thought.. and because of everything that happened, I strive for happiness. Happiness is my lifetime goal. Not just short-term of course, long-term happiness. So I am thinking. With a goal like that how will I execute it? How do I strive for happiness. It’s not easy but it is definitely not difficult either..

Happiness is not given, it needs to be worked on daily.

I’ll work on this.

To be continue. haha so corny.

RECAP: Holidays with family and friends

Family: Karaoke w/cousins, Dim Sum, Temple for my grandpa, and exchanges w/cousins.

You know I always have a great time with you all. Like my little sisters and brothers, you can be annoying at times but you all are the best. I wouldn’t want to spend the holidays with anyone but our family. It’s funny how we find comfort with each other in a time like this. It’s unspoken. I cherish and appreciate everyone so much,  I honestly don’t know how sane I would be without you all.

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Thanks for the Toms, Leggings, Recipe for Happiness decor, cookie dough, and homemade hot chocolate.

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I also found out that my grandpa had a journal where he writes his thoughts and poems. I can’t really decipher it because .. I can’t read Vietnamese that well but I will happen. I knew my grandpa was an artist but this is mind blowing to me.

Sidenote:

I found out that my brother got on a car accident on xmas. I felt devastated. He called me with his voice shaken up and I was so confused. All he said was that he t-boned someone and he’s in the emergency room and he’ll call me back later. *click*. I was thinking. Great just fucking great. When it’s raining, it fucking pours. I just couldn’t take that much pain at once you know. Well at the end of the day thank goodness he was alright because I wouldn’t know what to do if two people in my life got hurt in the same month. I just couldn’t.

 

Friends: Amy & Nicole

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Sorry for celebrating your birthday so late Amy because of everything that has happened. I hope you like the gifts we got you 😀 and The Old Spaghetti Factory was a great choice for your birthday dinner. My Orange Italian Cream Soda was the highlight of meal haha! I hope you like the gifts we gave you! It was difficult picking out presents but we managed.

Our xmas exchange was small this year. In means of people. Which I am okay with. Not saying that we’re no longer friends but people change and we all go our separate ways…  in a sense of lifestyle and priorities. I think Nicole and I overloaded Amy with oversize comfy sweaters though ahaa. But thank you for my Converse, Toms, and accessories!

DTF (Downtown Fullerton for non oc natives haha) for our end of the night celebration was perfect. I think we were planning to go to Florentines but I am so glad we went to Zings just because we heard “good” music playing outside. It was a night that I needed. I love spending time with family and all but they are not of age yet haha. Besides the amount of guys who tried to dance with us, people who stepped on my new shoes, and the smell of everyone’s bo, it was a fun night with the right music with the right people (: .

I don’t think you both realize that I appreciate this time so much. I really needed it. I needed a time to be away from my family and away from my life to just have a little fun. I want to feel normal again..  ever since what happened. It’s been hard. Being in LA during winter break with my roommates and friends gone is not cutting it. Usually I don’t mind it.. but silence for too long gets me thinking way too much ya know. I love you all and thank you for everything.

I heard death comes in 3s ..

Paul Walker, Nelson Mandela, and my grandpa Nguyen, Nhu Tung. December 7th left a great man. I don’t think people realize how close we were. Again with that word, were.. You were part of my childhood, part of my past, part of my present, and you were supposed to be part of my future. He wasn’t some sort of distant relative where I only visited once or twice a year. I still drive my grandma around when I am back in OC. Yes, I am that grand child. I would do anything for them. They raised me. He was my father figure. No, I don’t give a fuck if he is 94 and he’s old. That doesn’t change the fact that someone important to me left. it has been 3 weeks grandpa and I feel as if you’re slipping away from my memories and dreams. As if you’re no longer real because you’re not physically here. The holidays has been so hard since you’ve left. Nothing feels the same. I miss you so much. I know I haven’t talked about you for awhile or mentioned you but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about you. I feel like you’re one of the reasons I love to be creative and artistic. You are my inspiration. This post is all over the place because that’s how I really feel. I need to find a way to be organized and put together again…

Breakups…

I can’t stop thinking about you. It has been so hard since we’ve separated. I feel as if I need to occupy my time with activities and life of happiness just to forget this feeling. Feelings of sorrow, feelings of sadness, feelings of pain. It hurts. It hurts a lot. It’s like the devil torturing my soul, my heart, my brain, I can’t get rid of him. He lands on my left shoulder, attacking me in hindsight. You were my angel. And now, you are no where to be found. I miss you so much. I want you back in my life. I am trying to rebound you with other people and plans but at night all I can think about is you. This is more than just a relationship. It’s love. True love. The kind where you can’t get over. It may seem like I am talking about a bad breakup over some stupid boy. But no, you’re not stupid. You’re the best I will ever have. And no one can replace you. No one can. It sucks because I wish this was some sort of break up. At least then, I can be like, fuck the world, get over it, and be okay with having someone new. But with you it is different. Tell me how can you replace a family member that means the world to you. This is blood. Even watching comedies, ends with tears.

It’s almost 2 weeks. I sometimes wonder how I am functioning. Sometimes I feel like I am on auto-pilot. Going through routines that seem oh so familiar yet be so distant from it all. I dropped a few things and I know you wouldn’t like that. I stopped coming to my internship. Being around children who are chronically ill.. just not my thing right now grandpa. I stopped coming to my volunteer. Spending my time there feels empty when I am feeling this way. I stopped coming to my other volunteer. I am just not ready to be around children again. I stopped working at one of my jobs. I really can’t put up with large groups of children. The only thing I want to do is sulk. But that’s no way to live, right? I know I shouldn’t use you as an excuse but god dammit, this hurts more than a piercing needle through my skin. At least with something like that I can control and stop it but when something hurts this much how do I deal. I am having such a hard time coping. I know we all have to go through this some time but you left so soon. I wanted to show you my wings when I shine. But as of right now there’s no sun in my sky. Just a dark, gloomy, cold day and night.

I miss you grandpa.

Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing to do in the world. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.

– Unknown

MY 2nd Annual Holiday Party

It is official. I have been volunteering for 1 year and 3 months. Today marks the MY 2nd Annual Holiday Party attendance. Even in all this craziness that has happened to me within the past 5-6 days, I still manage to come here. I honestly need a break from crying too much and driving too much and honestly, just being in my own thoughts way too much.

For those who don’t know, I currently volunteer for a children’s rape treatment center around Los Angeles area and it is the most rewarding and one of the best decision I have made and stuck with (Recapping a lot of what I wrote last year). I have seen clients (sexual abuse victims) from 2 years young and up to 18 years. It’s not that intense but it is … I don’t know the details of anything because my job is to focus on the clients.

gift

“When I first started, I thought I played a small role in this multidisciplinary team we have going on in here. I am just a volunteer, I can’t make that big of difference, boy was I wrong. I realize I am the first person that the client sees and spend the most time with (besides the therapists of course). Although I am not a therapist, forensic psychologist, child advocate, district attorney, LAPD, or the social workers that work there, I can make a difference.  After yesterday, I realize I am part of something bigger. This family that I have been seeing on a weekly basis gave me this gift (photo ^). First of all, for them to think of me as something was already an amazing feeling. I swear, when I received it, my heart melted. I know it is not much but I had this feeling in my heart that made me feel like I had did something right. It is such an indescribable feeling that you just have to experience to know how I truly felt. This feeling, to me, is altruism at its best. I guess what everyone told me during our training was true. We are part of the healing process. ” (December 2012)

So even in the middle of losing my grandpa, seeing everyone today made me so happy. All the clients/kids/family that came up to me to say thank you, I want to THANK YOU for making it all worth it. You honestly don’t know that seeing you all lightens up my heart and my dark situation. You inspire me so much. Even when things are rough, with support, things can get better in time. Plus, I am pretty awesome helping at the cookie decorating booth (; !

The Mourner’s Bill of Rights

I knew I didn’t belong here. I prolonged coming on time. I was not ready to step back in the hospital. I couldn’t avoid it forever so I finally left my car to walk to Mattel children’s hospital. For some damn reason, my supervisor knew what was up. I guess it may be the way I say hi to her every time I see her. I feel like everyone can read me like a damn book or something. Well, I am glad she caught me, and I am glad we talked. I am so blessed to have an understanding supervisor like her. Being in the hospital and being around chronically ill children in the playroom may not be the best thing for me right now. I am very thankful for having someone like you. Anyways, she shared something with me that I think is helpful for anyone who may be going through something like this. It is called the Mourner’s Bill of Rights on a cute card (: but here it goes:

1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief.

2. You have the right to talk about your grief.

3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions.

4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.

5. You have the right to experience “grief bursts.”

6. You have the right to make use of ritual.

7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality.

8. You have the right to search for meaning.

9. You have the right to treasure your memories.

10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.

What I also learned today. Everyone deals with it differently. It is okay to take breaks because there is nothing wrong with that. There is no need to feel sad 100% of the time. Thank you so much.