Chú Minh. Chú có biệt trái đất nầy là lạ lắm. Con biệt chú nguyên cuộc đời của con mà một khoảnh khắc chú đi như là gió trong đám mây. Bước vào bệnh viện làm con run tại vì tôi đã phản ảnh ông ngoại. Con cảm thấy hối tiếc ngay khi không cho chú sự tôn trọng mà chú có thể xứng đáng. Con luôn luôn nhìn chú như một chú họ, hay là nhưng giống như chồng của cô của con hay bố anh em họ của con. Mặc dù chúng mình không bao giờ thực sự liên kết, con đánh giá cao chú chăm sóc gia đình và anh em họ của con. Con biết rằng chú có ý nghĩa rất nhiều đối với người khác. Chú có biết anh hai nhớ chú nhiều lắm. Con có thể nghe trong giọng nói của anh hai khi anh gọi con. Anh hai sẽ luôn nhớ rằng chú tin tưởng anh hai khi anh hai cần ai đó tin vào anh hai. Con biết ơn vì điều đó. Con xin lỗi vì con không thể tham dự đám tang của chú. Con cảm thấy tội lỗi ở lại New York và đang ở đây khi tôi nên được bao quanh các thành viên trong gia đình. Con hy vọng chú đang bên cạnh ông ngoai. Tạm biệt Chú Minh.
Black has never been so dark.
I never dread wearing black so much.
Black may mean slick, slim, or mysterious but for the past 4 days
It meant no sunshine
it meant pour some rain and thunder over my head
It meant death
It meant you, were gone, forever.
I am trying to think about all the times we spent together.
So many things left unsaid.
Did you know that I am trying to get this painting class, grandpa?
Wanted to channel my inner creative side
But at the same time embrace a little bit of you.
I was thinking about sharing my piece with you.
Wanted to learn how to use the medium of oil paints and work on landscape, just like you.
I wanted to be just like YOU.
But as of right now, I my skies are painted pitched black
Fuck rose color glasses, because shade is all I am getting.
Darken my path. Black out. Lifeless.
Black has never felt so dark.
[Started December 14, 2014 // Semi-Edited February 14, 2014]
I was trying to reflect on my almost 23 years of life [insert my selfie here]. And thought it’d be awesome to express it in a spoken word piece. This is what I have so far …
In a month in a half
I’ll be 23
This is a toast to my Jordan year
And that’s a real shout out to my sneakers
hashtag jk but not jk
this is a toast for being alive
for experiencing a death of a loved one
and then I froze. you’re not here with me.
there are so many firsts that I have to go through without you.
my first christmas without you, my first new years without you, my first tet without you, my first birthday without you.
some days I feel like it is so hard for me to get out of bed,
to want to see sunshine when I know that you’re not here with me
some days I am just on autopilot trying to not feel any sort of emotional recklessness
some days I just feel so overwhelmed with thoughts of you consuming my brain
and some days I am just plain old me
but when I come back to this apartment, I feel so detached and separated from our family
I feel so alone without you
There are people telling me to be more positive.. I feel that every time I take a leap, the world challenges me with rain and thunder. December: ||| , January |||, February | . That’s a total of 7. They say bad things come in 3s .. so I am just waiting for 2 more.
Paul Walker, Nelson Mandela, and my grandpa Nguyen, Nhu Tung. December 7th left a great man. I don’t think people realize how close we were. Again with that word, were.. You were part of my childhood, part of my past, part of my present, and you were supposed to be part of my future. He wasn’t some sort of distant relative where I only visited once or twice a year. I still drive my grandma around when I am back in OC. Yes, I am that grand child. I would do anything for them. They raised me. He was my father figure. No, I don’t give a fuck if he is 94 and he’s old. That doesn’t change the fact that someone important to me left. it has been 3 weeks grandpa and I feel as if you’re slipping away from my memories and dreams. As if you’re no longer real because you’re not physically here. The holidays has been so hard since you’ve left. Nothing feels the same. I miss you so much. I know I haven’t talked about you for awhile or mentioned you but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about you. I feel like you’re one of the reasons I love to be creative and artistic. You are my inspiration. This post is all over the place because that’s how I really feel. I need to find a way to be organized and put together again…
I can’t stop thinking about you. It has been so hard since we’ve separated. I feel as if I need to occupy my time with activities and life of happiness just to forget this feeling. Feelings of sorrow, feelings of sadness, feelings of pain. It hurts. It hurts a lot. It’s like the devil torturing my soul, my heart, my brain, I can’t get rid of him. He lands on my left shoulder, attacking me in hindsight. You were my angel. And now, you are no where to be found. I miss you so much. I want you back in my life. I am trying to rebound you with other people and plans but at night all I can think about is you. This is more than just a relationship. It’s love. True love. The kind where you can’t get over. It may seem like I am talking about a bad breakup over some stupid boy. But no, you’re not stupid. You’re the best I will ever have. And no one can replace you. No one can. It sucks because I wish this was some sort of break up. At least then, I can be like, fuck the world, get over it, and be okay with having someone new. But with you it is different. Tell me how can you replace a family member that means the world to you. This is blood. Even watching comedies, ends with tears.
It’s almost 2 weeks. I sometimes wonder how I am functioning. Sometimes I feel like I am on auto-pilot. Going through routines that seem oh so familiar yet be so distant from it all. I dropped a few things and I know you wouldn’t like that. I stopped coming to my internship. Being around children who are chronically ill.. just not my thing right now grandpa. I stopped coming to my volunteer. Spending my time there feels empty when I am feeling this way. I stopped coming to my other volunteer. I am just not ready to be around children again. I stopped working at one of my jobs. I really can’t put up with large groups of children. The only thing I want to do is sulk. But that’s no way to live, right? I know I shouldn’t use you as an excuse but god dammit, this hurts more than a piercing needle through my skin. At least with something like that I can control and stop it but when something hurts this much how do I deal. I am having such a hard time coping. I know we all have to go through this some time but you left so soon. I wanted to show you my wings when I shine. But as of right now there’s no sun in my sky. Just a dark, gloomy, cold day and night.
I miss you grandpa.
Although I love hip hop and rap, R&B/slowjams are my shit. I was trying to find songs on how I felt and what I was going through .. boy that was hard ): but now I have an official playlist! Enjoy (in no particular order)! Keep in mind that the songs may not exactly be 100% for grief and loss but I have interpreted and relate to it that way.
1. So Lost – Melvin Gutierrez
This was one of the few songs that was in my iTunes (phew), I was really trying to make a playlist of whatever music I had.
2. I Miss You – Aaliyah
“Now you’re gone and I’m lost without you here and now. but I know I gotta live and make it somehow”
3. It’s So Hard to Say Good-bye to Yesterday – Boyz II Men
I knew I didn’t belong here. I prolonged coming on time. I was not ready to step back in the hospital. I couldn’t avoid it forever so I finally left my car to walk to Mattel children’s hospital. For some damn reason, my supervisor knew what was up. I guess it may be the way I say hi to her every time I see her. I feel like everyone can read me like a damn book or something. Well, I am glad she caught me, and I am glad we talked. I am so blessed to have an understanding supervisor like her. Being in the hospital and being around chronically ill children in the playroom may not be the best thing for me right now. I am very thankful for having someone like you. Anyways, she shared something with me that I think is helpful for anyone who may be going through something like this. It is called the Mourner’s Bill of Rights on a cute card (: but here it goes:
1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief.
2. You have the right to talk about your grief.
3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions.
4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.
5. You have the right to experience “grief bursts.”
6. You have the right to make use of ritual.
7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality.
8. You have the right to search for meaning.
9. You have the right to treasure your memories.
10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.
What I also learned today. Everyone deals with it differently. It is okay to take breaks because there is nothing wrong with that. There is no need to feel sad 100% of the time. Thank you so much.