Tag Archives: daily feels

Why did I move across the country? // Free Association Writing

What is up, blog. I sometimes don’t know people visit my inconsistent blog. Nothing is here but there are still views. LOL. Warning: This is free association writing, aka blurbs, minimum back spaces, unorganized, thoughts and process.

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Dreaming about Dreaming| Dream Log #2

Quick post about my dream last night before I forget. It took me a while to fall asleep but when I did,

I dreamt that I was at my apartment. It was a different apartment but it was mine. I was in bed in the dark trying to fall asleep (lol weird) but I couldn’t. I went to the living room and decided to watch some SVU to try to fall asleep. Mind you this was an episode that I made up because it was definitely not a real episode. I paused the tv show because it got scary and then tried to sleep. Every time I closed my eyes I would see white and black lines (like when a TV is out of service) and I would hear white noise from tv (screeches?).

outofservice

 

During those screeches I heard voices of women whispering. It kept happening and I got exhausted. I kept trying to move so I can return to bed but I couldn’t. Again, I closed my eyes and those screeches came back (this time with men voices whispering. My roommate came home late and I surprised her because I was on the couch. I told her to wake me up (although I was clearly awake). I told her specifically to pull me up because I couldn’t move for some reason. She did that and I got up. I walked to my room and head to bed ..

LOLL .. yep that was my dream.

I heard that writing is good for the soul..

So I’ve decided to try to do daily feels / daily posts like how I used to back in xanga. It doesn’t always have to be about a topic… just daily stuff to clear & cool down my mind off my blog. It’s my blog. so ya

Song of the day: John Legend & Linda Stirling – All of me 

Let’s start out with this morning. I got a call from my mom to transfer her money. Money has always been an issue in my family and to keep it short, I paid for her taxes. And to make it long, I love my mom. I love that she has sacrificed so much to keep our family together. Living in a single household for I don’t know, my whole life, has made me realized why I don’t identify myself with a lot of my Vietnamese brothers and sisters who has already “made” it (or even the ones who have dads). Some people are privilege to not worry about rent, bills, gas, food, because their parents can provide for them and that’s beautiful. Your parents went through the motion of refuge and diaspora; then successfully made a living, assimilate, and adapt to this new culture. Not everyone get’s that chance. There are still families who are struggling to make sure that their children get a chance to be successful. I didn’t truly understand that until after high school. Everyone’s looking at me to “make it” for my mom. It’s kinda hard right now when I want to focus on education and also need to think about providing financial means for myself and my mom. So this is how it feels like to be my mom. I guess I don’t care much about the money part, it’s just stressful (I’m totally downplaying that part right now). LOL I totally went off topic but my main thing is that check your privilege. Some of my cousins grew up with same morals and values but they have the privilege to not worry about working for a living during high school and college … makes us different.

SIDE STORY: On Sunday, my little cousin was telling me he was mad at his dad for not paying Continue reading

Nothing Even Matters

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Like I said before, I have a hard time being home. It is like I purposely put myself in this sinkhole that I cannot plug. Yet when I am far away I yearn for this loving & depressing place.
We dragged eerie in this home and it hasn’t escaped. I don’t know if it ever will …

You know how heartbroken it is to see your mom come home from work with tears?
My mom leaned on my head and shoulder for support. For me to validate her feelings with the things that she had to deal with.
Sometimes I feel that I am not enough.
At least not yet anyways.

Nothing even matters no more.

I’m staring at the clock
It’s a quarter to three
I’m tossing in my bed
Cause I just can’t sleep
Cause you’re not here with me
I’m reaching out for you
I wish I could talk to you
Trying to figure out what’s going on with me
I’m used to having all the answers for everything

I think I’m really good at taking music lyrics out of context and relating/interpreting it to how I feel lol.

Hello March

It is a new month and I am trying to do some changes. But today I got a called from my mom reminding me that on the 16th is when we’re going to temple for my grandpa’s 100 days of death.

Can I tell you how I’m NOT looking forward to go to this. I don’t want to let go. I am not ready to let you go grandpa. It was just 3 months ago that I saw you. That I had a conversation with you. That I sat on your bed and talked about where you were going to sit for my graduation.

I had a hard time at work today. I kept looking up to hold back my tears. It worked. I felt distorted and felt paranoid if other people noticed. But honestly, if they did. I don’t care

You took a piece of me when you left. I can’t find myself when I look in the mirror.
I am a lost soul without you.

How do you say good bye to forever.
How can I accept never seeing you again.
I just can’t.

100 Poems | 100 Days: Day 11

Escaping her homeland, she focused on the future.
One hand holding herself, another holding her son’s.
Leaving. Leaving everything behind.
Her mom, her dad, her sisters, her home.
There is no turning back now.
She just cannot risk it.

She made it to Hong Kong.
and landed in jail.
Separated by single women and men, and women with children.
Separated from her sister.
Alone with her son, she waited.

*will revisit when I feel more inspired..

100 Poems | 100 Days: Day 10

I’m like 2 hours late. sue me. Since I just got my car back .. this needs so much revising and editing but maybe ill revisit in the future.

This is an open letter to my car.
I love you.
I haven’t seen you for weeks and it seems like we’ve been separated over an eternity.
I never realized how much I take you for granted until you were gone.
So thank you.
For your hard ass leather seats, they are uncomfortable  and can go to both extremes of hot and cold.
But Thank you for letting me sleep in peace through all those drunk nights.
We’ve shared so much.
You have heard me laugh with my friends
You have heard me cursed during road rage
You even listened to the saddest slow jams with me and
You sat in silence when I needed space.
And your four wheels.
They are the path to our endless adventures.
Thank you for The good, the bad, and the I can’t believe I am doing this right now moments.
You know you da homie.
But most of all
Thank you for being my home when I had no where to run to.
You put a roof over my head and sheltered for my body.
They say home is where your heart is
Well my heart is engraved to your engine.
You are the only thing that is stable in my life.
Love, Han.
P.S. Don’t break down on me again. My life depended on you.