Yeah I did. I wanted to drown my sorrows within the past 5 1/2 months. I wanted to use alcohol to numb my pain of undesirable feelings. I wanted to escape with the invisible cloak of henny and coke. I felt so low. I felt so down. I felt like I should have lived beneath the earth. I didn’t feel alive. Everything was a just a blur and motionless for me. Auto-pilot at its finest, I lived because my heart continued to beat and my lungs continued to take in oxygen. I was in a dark place and no one really understood. I lost a loved one and I miss him so much.
I wish you would come back to me, I wish I can talk to you just one more time. All I see your face on our shrines and memories on the back of my mind but it’s not the same. It’s not the same without you. Nothing has been. I don’t know why we’re pretending like everything is okay because it’s not. When I look into grandma’s eyes, I can see her sadness. The melancholy that reeks off of her fake smile and trembled voice. It’s been too long and I’m lost without you, grandpa.
So I’m tired of hearing “you wanted us to drink with you before” or “you used to want to drink a lot.” Next time I hear this, trust that I will blow it out of proportions. This is not a subpost/subtweet. It’s a warning.
This was yesterday when I was napping before work. Let’s name the guy in my dream …. Rose LOL IONO WHY I’m thinking flowers
I dreamt about getting invited to a family gathering. I almost couldn’t go because I had a workshop for SANAA but luckily Cody and Maria got it covered. (lol that’s funny because they really did have a workshop to go to). Everyone was outside by the pool celebrating something… I’m not sure what it was. There was lots of food but just a small, intimate, family gathering. His family gathering. I greeted everyone when I came, glad everyone was happy to see me. Had conversations with his brothers and cousins. Afterwards, I left the scene to change back into my maxi dress. I went to the guest room (but the layout looked like my current room) and lied down on the rug. Rose came to lay next to me. We were about one feet apart, laying on our stomachs staring at .. nothing. It was kinda weird, awkward, but right at the same time. His mom came in to tell him to grab some food and chill by the pool. But he said he wanted to stay a little longer and then looked at me and smile.
Quick post about my dream last night before I forget. It took me a while to fall asleep but when I did,
I dreamt that I was at my apartment. It was a different apartment but it was mine. I was in bed in the dark trying to fall asleep (lol weird) but I couldn’t. I went to the living room and decided to watch some SVU to try to fall asleep. Mind you this was an episode that I made up because it was definitely not a real episode. I paused the tv show because it got scary and then tried to sleep. Every time I closed my eyes I would see white and black lines (like when a TV is out of service) and I would hear white noise from tv (screeches?).
During those screeches I heard voices of women whispering. It kept happening and I got exhausted. I kept trying to move so I can return to bed but I couldn’t. Again, I closed my eyes and those screeches came back (this time with men voices whispering. My roommate came home late and I surprised her because I was on the couch. I told her to wake me up (although I was clearly awake). I told her specifically to pull me up because I couldn’t move for some reason. She did that and I got up. I walked to my room and head to bed ..
I didn’t think I’ll be back in this circle so soon. Oversleeping and still overly fatigue. I miss you so much grandpa. Replaying the last few hours with you in the hospital …… putting our memories on repeat. It’s almost 6 months.
Anyways, today when I overslept, I had such a vivid dream. I was with a bunch of people in a hotel and then we heard gun shots. We ran into a room, locked the door and hid. For some reason I found a corner under a storage rack with shit around it to hide. earlier that a bunch of people (including) me. We were all laying down quietly and someone came into the room. Then a gun shot. Everyone started screaming and then I switched places with a little girl to hid under the storage rack. Everyone else in the room was laying flat on the ground with a cover over their bodies. We weren’t necessarily hiding, we were just waiting .. to be the next victim. It was so weird. The little girl next to me started crying and then we heard a gun shot in our room. And then another one.. That’s 3 deaths within the past whatever time it was.
@_@ If I had a dream log .. oh man. I would totally have a dream journal but I get lazy to write it so maybe I’ll start a dream series on here.
I feel like doing some quick free writing so here it goes.
It’s not that I need you, cause I definitely don’t want you either. Company is a woman’s best friend, specifically me. I want it in the most platonic, friendly ass way possible. Don’t get it twisted when there’s a little bit more affection or attention. A text, a hang out, or a night out is simply a “I rather have my mind on you/ with you than be alone in my thoughts. Read that again. Please tell me you’re smart enough to differentiate between “be alone in my thoughts” and “being alone.” I’ll do what is necessary to preoccupy my thoughts even if those things cloud my judgement of you all.
Just remember, I am more alpha than beta, so I don’t give a fuck about gender roles. I don’t mind trying to get what I want (well not you personally, just your company). But if you take it the wrong way, I rather let it be than waste my time changing your perception. People forget I am just overly friendly … sometimes … I’ll just simply reply to #2 or #3 ..
Then again. I get bored easily. Entertain me at least.
Since I am going to The Sound of Tomorrow at The Echoplex this Friday, I thought I’d post this playlist my friend (S/O to Christian!) made! I am actually new to these Dj’s but I am definitely feeling these remixes. I hope ya’ll enjoy this playlist as much as I do!