Why did I move across the country? // Free Association Writing

What is up, blog. I sometimes don’t know people visit my inconsistent blog. Nothing is here but there are still views. LOL. Warning: This is free association writing, aka blurbs, minimum back spaces, unorganized, thoughts and process.

Anyways, I thought about doing a reflection on why I moved across the country. Why did it come up? I met some new classmates on Saturday and they said I was so brave to move from California to New York without anyone. Hearing them say that definitely made me feel like I’m crazy for doing so. Flashbacks of road bumps I had here could have been avoided if I was back in California. I also had a hard time taking “compliments” but that’s another thing.

Why did I move across the country? I could have lived a comfortable life back in California if I went to CSULB. Why New York? Why NYU? My answer is personal growth, I think. I often feel uncomfortable (I even have an unfinished poem about what uncomfortable means to me). Maybe it’s because I continue to search for something. Something for me to feel somewhat complete. And it’s not about having a significant other to make you whole, it’s about finding meaning in different aspects of your life to make you complete. I don’t know exactly how to say it. But I truly believe that’s part of my personal growth.  People may think it’s brave of me to move out but deep down I always knew that I needed to be somewhere else. I can’t stay stagnant. Is that related to my past? Maybe. I often feel lost and alone. It’s deep rooted. I know.  Do I want to address it? Not really. Not yet. Not quite. Not ready.

I can tell you that it’s been extremely difficult living in a new city without familiarity. Then I often go back like why the fuck did I move here? And remember that I need this change. I didn’t want to feel stuck somewhere. I don’t want to be in a routine. All these material things, concerts, comfort,  the life of California doesn’t necessarily make me feel WHOLE. Does being in New York? No. Have I uncovered something hidden about myself that I never knew? Absolutely. Can I pinpoint that? I am not sure. Can you tell I’m just doing some free association writing? It’s liberating. But back to something hidden within me. I realize that I seek for similar things that I do back in California. Is that a way of me rejecting New York? Not sure. But fosure there’s lack of what I’m looking for. Or maybe I am in the wrong space to breathe art. Connect with artistic folks. I miss that. I miss being creative. I crave it. I say that but I don’t really do anything about it. I am def ranting on and going off topic. But this is really how my brain thinks. Unapologetically being me.

Is social work for me? Yes, I love it. I just miss being in a different space where I don’t have to be so rigid and #serioushan. My brain hurts. Which is so funny because when I was a buyer #fashionindustry, I miss having this type of conversation. The deep, rich, real talk, talks.

How to get both? Should it be infused? Can I have separate lives?

#minimumbackspaces #freeassociation #thoughts #mood

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