“you wanted us to drink with you before”

Yeah I did. I wanted to drown my sorrows within the past 5 1/2 months. I wanted to use alcohol to numb my pain of undesirable feelings. I wanted to escape with the invisible cloak of henny and coke. I felt so low. I felt so down. I felt like I should have lived beneath the earth. I didn’t feel alive. Everything was a just a blur and motionless for me. Auto-pilot at its finest, I lived because my heart continued to beat and my lungs continued to take in oxygen. I was in a dark place and no one really understood. I lost a loved one and I miss him so much.

I wish you would come back to me, I wish I can talk to you just one more time. All I see your face on our shrines and memories on the back of my mind but it’s not the same. It’s not the same without you. Nothing has been. I don’t know why we’re pretending like everything is okay because it’s not. When I look into grandma’s eyes, I can see her sadness. The melancholy that reeks off of her fake smile and trembled voice. It’s been too long and I’m lost without you, grandpa.

So I’m tired of hearing “you wanted us to drink with you before” or “you used to want to drink a lot.”  Next time I hear this, trust that I will blow it out of proportions. This is not a subpost/subtweet. It’s a warning.

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