I heard that writing is good for the soul..

So I’ve decided to try to do daily feels / daily posts like how I used to back in xanga. It doesn’t always have to be about a topic… just daily stuff to clear & cool down my mind off my blog. It’s my blog. so ya

Song of the day: John Legend & Linda Stirling – All of me 

Let’s start out with this morning. I got a call from my mom to transfer her money. Money has always been an issue in my family and to keep it short, I paid for her taxes. And to make it long, I love my mom. I love that she has sacrificed so much to keep our family together. Living in a single household for I don’t know, my whole life, has made me realized why I don’t identify myself with a lot of my Vietnamese brothers and sisters who has already “made” it (or even the ones who have dads). Some people are privilege to not worry about rent, bills, gas, food, because their parents can provide for them and that’s beautiful. Your parents went through the motion of refuge and diaspora; then successfully made a living, assimilate, and adapt to this new culture. Not everyone get’s that chance. There are still families who are struggling to make sure that their children get a chance to be successful. I didn’t truly understand that until after high school. Everyone’s looking at me to “make it” for my mom. It’s kinda hard right now when I want to focus on education and also need to think about providing financial means for myself and my mom. So this is how it feels like to be my mom. I guess I don’t care much about the money part, it’s just stressful (I’m totally downplaying that part right now). LOL I totally went off topic but my main thing is that check your privilege. Some of my cousins grew up with same morals and values but they have the privilege to not worry about working for a living during high school and college … makes us different.

SIDE STORY: On Sunday, my little cousin was telling me he was mad at his dad for not paying for some car door damaged that he dinged. I asked him if it’s his fault and he said yes. I know my  uncle can afford to give him $150, but I told him that you can’t just get everything handed to you. You’re mad at someone for not paying for your actions. $150 is well over 10 hours of work and you’re asking your dad to just hand you that money. I didn’t necessarily told him to check himself but there’s a better approach to this. AKA, ask to borrow money and show how responsible you are by paying back the money in other forms. Money is an exchange for goods, just give the goods. lol.

for some car door damaged that he dinged. I asked him if it’s his fault and he said yes. I know my  uncle can afford to give him $150, but I told him that you can’t just get everything handed to you. You’re mad at someone for not paying for your actions. $150 is well over 10 hours of work and you’re asking your dad to just hand you that money. I didn’t necessarily told him to check himself but there’s a better approach to this. AKA, ask to borrow money and show how responsible you are by paying back the money in other forms. Money is an exchange for goods, just give the goods. lol.

Did all of this really went through my head this morning at 7am… yeah it did. All it took was one phone call.. about money. $_$

Moving on, I was on my way to work when I rear ended this red ford focus >_>.  Photo Mar 19, 10 55 47 AMPhoto Mar 19, 10 54 54 AMAt first I thought it was my fault and we exchanged our information. Now that I am thinking about it.. why did I not see him try to back up into a parking space? Did he happened to find a spot late and signaled late? It all happened so fast, when I saw his car I hit him. You know, just another thing on my plate. That made me late to work and started work even later because I had to deal with insurance. I’m not sure if it was my carelessly of not paying attention on the road or something else. . my head was really elsewhere.

angelicjrsweatsfdkjumpsuit

Then, I was hoping it would be a chill day at work. I mean, it was and we made great sales! ..  I was just tired and overwhelmed by everything in the morning. On the brighter side, I finally got my sweats I ordered last year from joy rich and my jumpsuit for Vegas. I semi want to cancel my trip … but I need this.

Anyways, I told my manager today my goal was to go get groceries. Instead of that, I auto-pilot back to my apartment, spent 20 minutes in my car to wind down and slowly made myself get up stairs. I thought my transitions to places were getting better, but since Friday, I’ve been back to this slump like everything just happened yesterday.

When I say slump, I mean. I fucking miss you grandpa. And it sucks because I can identify my feelings (half/most of the time), identify my problems, identify my actions, but I have lack of motivation to do anything about it. I know why I am depressed, I know that I am isolating myself around everyone else, I know that I rather be doing nothing than something (most of the time), that I am starting to accept plans not falling through because I simply don’t give a fuck anymore. And when I do want to do something.. I fall into both extremes of hoping it doesn’t really happen and hoping that it does really happen. LOL. If you read this you probably think I am crazy but I can’t always TALK this out. It get’s uncomfortable to tell someone how you feel every damn day. You forget what you really want to say and you need time to process things. I rather have people read and ask questions later or simply let me be for a bit.

So… I am becoming more passive about caring than action orientated. Honestly, if I were to look in the mirror right now, I probably wouldn’t recognize myself. Beyond this physical body, what else is there to her? She used to be this and that and I am not living up to my expectations and standard to who I am because why? Because I am too tired, too sleepy, too fucking depressed, too emotional, too too much. It sounds like I am complaining, sounds like I should just wake myself up and do shit but don’t try to invalidate my feelings when it’s honestly real. Hah, I am slowly in the process of writing a poem called “5 things you shouldn’t say to a person who is grieving.”

Getting off track again, when I came back up stairs… I slept. Sleeping has been my escape to things lately (more than lately tbh). I missed the undie run even though I told my friends I really wanted to go. I guess if I got a call it would have changed my mind to try to get out of bed but to be honest, I don’t know if it would. I can care less about the undie run or the world for a matter of fact when I feel this way.

And now I am here.. spending 45 minutes to write all this ish out. If you really read this, I am sorry for my disorganized brain. But this is how I really think. I guess that’s why I like writing poetry, because it helps me organize my thoughts unlike … free writing. But there’s beauty in both! I get to say more in free writing, and it’s nice (:

Thinking if I should go back to revise what I wrote but the whole point is to keep writing until you’re done, WRITE?!(lol.. corny I know) So that means I am leaving it as is cause in the end, I am writing this for me.

Peace & Love,

Han

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