This song is definitely hitting home. I miss you so much grandpa.
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I couldn’t sleep last night. At most 2-3 hrs. I can’t believe you’re gone. I have never felt so much pain. This feeling is so permanent. You being gone is so permanent. Even with all the songs in my itunes, I still can’t find the one that describes how I feel. I am having such a hard time letting you go grandpa. I was just at the hospital with you on Friday and you were still trying to talk to me. I can still hear you saying my name through the oxygen mask. They didn’t say anything about your condition being bad… except trying to keep your blood pressure up.
I just saw you. I just FUCKING SAW YOU.
When I went back to LA I was so worried, sad, crying to myself. I felt guilty leaving for “priorities.” But then I thought I was being stupid because they didn’t say anything about your condition getting worse. And now you’re gone.
I can’t believe I am not spending Christmas with you like we do every single year…
I can’t believe I won’t be able to have conversations with you anymore. There will be no more greeting you and sitting next to your bed just to hear you talk. I loved our conversations together about life and career choices.
I can’t believe you won’t be celebrating your first grandchild’s college graduation. I even planned to take you both and make sure that we come early so we can get the handicapped seats. I wanted you to be front row for everything.
I can’t believe I won’t be able to see you paint. I can still remember you sitting outside with your easel and oil paints when I was younger. I was never allowed to touch the oil paints though lol. I am sorry for sneaking outside using your oil paints when you were not there. What I would do to have more time with you and apologize for that. Since you have been aging, I was so amazed when I saw you paint couple months ago. Something simple, yet unique, with water colors.
I can’t believe I won’t be able to hold your hand.
I can’t believe I won’t be able to hear your voice. your stories. I remember you telling me about how you traveled to places to showcase your art. And I remember that I wanted to be just like you when I grow up. An artist that travels the world.
You were such a big influence in my life. I can’t believe I’m saying “were.” I fucking hate using past tense.
I FUCKING HATE USING PAST TENSE. I FUCKING HATE THIS SITUATION. I HATE THIS, I HATE THIS.
I can still remember you in your suits. You haven’t been wearing them for awhile but you were always so handsome in them. And your watches. You loved wearing watches.
I remember we used to sit and watch wrestling together. Whether it be wwf at that time or even wwe as we got older. Or even wrestling on telemundo or something like that.
I remember when you used to cook for me. It was probably because grandma went out and you had to babysit us. Sometimes I hated it because sometimes there would be eggshells in my bowl. How I would take a moment back to eat anything that you cooked. Even the egg shells.
I remember how you used to give me $1 every time you hear the ice cream man. I love how you know that ice cream is my favorite.
I remember all the pictures that we took together in front of our old house. I never really liked taking pictures when I was younger. But what I would do to take another still picture with you grandpa. What I would give and sacrifice just to have you here with me a little longer.
Last Christmas. I was trying to be sneaky but you looked up. I am glad you did.
I remember last Christmas Sabrina brought out all the picture albums you had in your room. A lot of the pictures were of us when we were younger. We forgot to bring them back to you so you came outside in the living room discretely and grabbed the albums. We thought that was so cute.
Your death was so unexpected. You didn’t have cancer. You didn’t suffer through some sort of sickness. I guess it was just your time.
I love you so much. I miss you so much.
You will always be in my heart grandpa.
I love you
06.15.1919 – 12.08.13 23:24
Left a husband, a father, a grandfather, a great grandfather.
Left an artist and a kind-hearted soul.
I love you
We love you
To the wife who just lost her husband through an agent called
December seventh, two thousand thirteen
Twenty three : twenty four
the doctor pronounced your husband was dead
You see your children and grandchildren mourning
crying their eyes out, trying to hold whats left of his body
skin no longer the vibrant sunshine you see
you put a hat on his head to make sure he stays warm
staying strong for your family you stepped aside
you anticipated this
you felt it deep in your heart as dark as that may seem
the doctor said he wasn’t supposed to make it
he would have died last night
how did he make it to this point
everyone gathered closer to the warm body
you held your granddaughter’s hand
watching her hold in her screams as much as she can
tears tracing her cheeks as she stares at the floor
squeezing her hand tighter you began to speak
you know he loves you and everyone in here
he waited for everyone to come
he wanted to see all your beautiful faces from all generations
I’m sad too but I only need to cry once and I only cry for the people I love
My love for him is forever eternal in my heart and nothing can take that way from me
You then stare at your husband
a best friend,
a great grandfather,
and a kind-hearted soul.
Your legacy lives through the canvases you paint
and the people you love.
To be honest, I wanted to start off my blog by posting my previous fun experiences like going to a stussy launch party but I just can’t. My world feels like it’s crumbling down. My grandpa was hospitalized yesterday and I drove back to Orange County to see him …. he looked so weak. He is currently in the ICU for monitoring and I can care less about my internship and work today. But I still have to go. Anyways, I wrote this poem a couple weeks ago when one of the patients I work with at Mattel Children’s Hospital went to PICU (Pediatrics Intensive Care Unit). He needs multiple transplant organs and he might not make it (He is still in the PICU). The poem is to shed light on the darker side of working with children in the hospital and how I felt at the moment thinking about him and other patients.
Although working with children is a blessing
I am having a hard time shadowing the reaper
I can’t stand the fact that I might not see one of the child, here, next week
You see, I have always loved and appreciate life
this shit is too real
this shows me that life is too short
that even if you have never done anything wrong
your body may fail you
that you’re praying to an angel called the waiting list
that you’re counting on the grim reaper
so you can take other
church echoing with the sound of hope
hope that a death of another will give you life
will give you parts that you need to survive
because the one that YOU were born with, failed
failed to allow you to enjoy the simple things like
like sun rays tracing your face on the deck
the smell of spring in march
failed to live up to its promise
a healthy life
but you wait
you wait and wait and struggle through the
dialysis that makes you fatigue
infections that spread like wild fire
needles that poke more holes in your skin than an addict with heroine
cancer that made you think twice about survival and life
beating your heart to death
it makes it difficult to love your body, love yourself, and love life
don’t let those scars wound you even deeper but
do let it tell stories of every stitch and knife you have been under
don’t let the tubes coming out from your body define your worth
don’t let the bare skin of your head define your beauty
I have never been so close to this thin line of life and death
So I continue to shadow the grim reaper.
My name is Han and I wanted to create a blog to share all of my passion under one space. I want to be able to share art such as spoken words and poetry, bomb ass food places and desserts, street wear and fashion, and even activism. I have created many blogs with separate entities for separate hobbies but ideally I wanted to encompass all of them under one page. Long story short, I want to publicly share my journey. I have always felt shy about sharing things because I felt like that would make me vulnerable. Sharing your thoughts isn’t always as easy as it seems. Aside from that, “you’re gonna love me for my honesty or hate me for being me” but out of all honesty, I rather be my honest self.