I can’t stop thinking about you. It has been so hard since we’ve separated. I feel as if I need to occupy my time with activities and life of happiness just to forget this feeling. Feelings of sorrow, feelings of sadness, feelings of pain. It hurts. It hurts a lot. It’s like the devil torturing my soul, my heart, my brain, I can’t get rid of him. He lands on my left shoulder, attacking me in hindsight. You were my angel. And now, you are no where to be found. I miss you so much. I want you back in my life. I am trying to rebound you with other people and plans but at night all I can think about is you. This is more than just a relationship. It’s love. True love. The kind where you can’t get over. It may seem like I am talking about a bad breakup over some stupid boy. But no, you’re not stupid. You’re the best I will ever have. And no one can replace you. No one can. It sucks because I wish this was some sort of break up. At least then, I can be like, fuck the world, get over it, and be okay with having someone new. But with you it is different. Tell me how can you replace a family member that means the world to you. This is blood. Even watching comedies, ends with tears.

It’s almost 2 weeks. I sometimes wonder how I am functioning. Sometimes I feel like I am on auto-pilot. Going through routines that seem oh so familiar yet be so distant from it all. I dropped a few things and I know you wouldn’t like that. I stopped coming to my internship. Being around children who are chronically ill.. just not my thing right now grandpa. I stopped coming to my volunteer. Spending my time there feels empty when I am feeling this way. I stopped coming to my other volunteer. I am just not ready to be around children again. I stopped working at one of my jobs. I really can’t put up with large groups of children. The only thing I want to do is sulk. But that’s no way to live, right? I know I shouldn’t use you as an excuse but god dammit, this hurts more than a piercing needle through my skin. At least with something like that I can control and stop it but when something hurts this much how do I deal. I am having such a hard time coping. I know we all have to go through this some time but you left so soon. I wanted to show you my wings when I shine. But as of right now there’s no sun in my sky. Just a dark, gloomy, cold day and night.

I miss you grandpa.

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